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Review of The Cult of Parenthood: A Qualitative Study of Parental Alienation by Randall Watters  In this article I will be using certain quotable sections (by permission) of Amy’s work in this field to bolster what I have been teaching for some time, and that is that “cults,” or high control groups (often not just religions) are merely an extended family. Just as one’s one family can go “bad” either through ignorant or controlling parent(s), or even through the process of divorce and jealousy. In understanding the nature of familial control, one can easily understand much of the “secrecy” about cults and why they are not very complex at all. Understanding this can lead to a major leap in understanding, growth and compassion for those still trapped in a control mindset. It can also greatly simplify our technique in reaching out to others, or “witnessing” to those trapped in a cult.
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Abstract

Forty adults who were alienated from a parent as a child participated in a qualitative research study about their experience. A content analysis was conducted on the transcripts and a comparison was undertaken to identify similarities between alienating parents and cult leaders. Results revealed that adults whose parents alienated them from their other parent described the alienating parent much the way former cult members describe cult leaders. The alienating parents were described as narcissistic and requiring excessive devotion and loyalty, especially at the expense of the targeted parent. The alienating parents also were found to utilize many of the same emotional manipulation and persuasion techniques cult leaders use to heighten dependency on them. And, finally, the alienating parents seemed to benefit from the alienation much the way cult leaders benefit from the cult: they have excessive control, power, and adulation. Likewise, the participants reported many of the same negative outcomes that former cult members experience such as low self-esteem, guilt, depression, and lack of trust in themselves and others. These findings can provide a useful framework for conceptualizing the experience of parental alienation and should also be useful for therapists who provide counseling and treatment to adults who experienced alienation as a child.

While it is best to find professional help through intervention, counseling and group therapy for those caught up in cult mind control, the next best thing is to seek to understand the phenomena on one’s own, for the sake of helping oneself and perhaps many others one comes into contact with. This article exemplifies my initial approach to those trapped in a cult.

1. I get them to understand basic family dynamics and that an organized religion is simply an extended family. Amy’s article in full can do just that. It is up in its entirety on the internet at: http://www.freeminds.org/psych/ cultofparenthood.htm as it is too long to publish here. It was also featured in Volume 4, Number 1 of Cultic Studies Review at http://www.culticstudiesreview.org/Default.htm.

2. In most cases I follow through in educating the person about the history of the religion or group through helps such as my book, Thus Saith Jehovah’s Witnesses, showing how the Watchtower has been dishonest and is clearly a false prophet in every way. and understanding how, for instance, they hinder the flow of information that exposes their hypocrisy.

3. Then the person needs to know how the Watchtower has corrupted Christian doctrine. This is very important so they do not continue in the same misinterpretation of Christian doctrine, even if they choose not to become a Christian. I usually use my book, Refuting Jehovah’s Witnesses, covering all the main doctrines of Christianity the Witnesses have contorted or outright denied. This will help alienate them even further from the control process that has polarized them towards this cult, and at least understand the true nature of the Christian church. If they are inclined towards God and Christ, I will of course lead them to sources of further education and a happier religious life. Praying with the person has often been a great therapy for both of us!

4. It is important that the individual has some sort of interaction with other recovered persons, either through the Internet or more preferably in personal groups settings such as meet-ups or potlucks or other small gatherings. Ideally, such a person should be involved in a therapy group headed by a person knowledgeable of cults as well as control dynamics in groups. Some Christian churches are prepared to help such an individual, but many are not due to their ignorance of cults in general or how to treat a person who is a victim of cult mind control. It is not a good thing to introduce a person to another form of doctrine without their understanding the personal dynamics of what they've been through, how it's affected them, and what their future path should take, using their own enlightened decision-making process.

One subset of children of divorce considered most at risk for negative outcomes are those experiencing ongoing post-divorce conflict (Garrity & Baris, 1994, Turkat, 2002). The children in these families are at risk of being subjected to some form of parental alienation in which one parent turns the child against the other parent through powerful emotional manipulation techniques designed to bind the child to them at the exclusion of the other –targeted -- parent (Darnall, 1998; Gardner, 1998; Garrity & Baris, 1994; Warshak, 2001). These alienating parents undermine the independent thinking skills of their children and cultivate an unhealthy dependency designed to satisfy the emotional needs of the adult rather than the developmental needs of the child (Warshak, 2001).

The child who is severely alienated is adamant about his or her hatred of the targeted parent. The child usually refuses any contact and may threaten to run away if forced to visit. The alienating parent and the child have an unhealthy alliance based on shared distorted ideas about the targeted parent. When this happens and the child wholly adopts the views of the alienating parent and severs all ties with the targeted parent, the child is living in something akin to a cult, the cult of the alienating parent.

Parents can make just as effective “cult” leaders as Jim Jones or Sun Myung Moon. Some parents have high-control issues from the start, while others may develop them in response to say, a divorce. When they deploy the same tricks as real cult leaders, they are just as destructive to the child an in some cases can even unwittingly sponsor such behavior in their children over time, simply passing on the negative trait to their offspring. Not a few victims of cults are there because in their own family they were “enablers” to the control process, or perhaps learned to be an authoritarian leader themselves. No doubt many modern-day cult leaders are the product of such a childhood, learning that the only way to be happy is to control others and raise one’s self-esteem. Then they seek victims who are often those who were the “enablers” to their own parents’ authoritarianism. Thus it becomes a dependency issue.

Of course, many parents (such as my own) contributed little or nothing to one’s cult involvement and were exceptional parents. This article is not an attempt to focus the blame on the parents of the victim, but only demonstrates the dynamics of unhealthy family control and how it plays out in the larger, extended cult family with an authoritarian leader.

According to West and Langone (1986) a cult (1) is a hierarchical social group in which there is a leader who requires excessive devotion, (2) has a leader who uses emotional manipulation and persuasion techniques to heighten dependency on him or her, and (3) furthers the aims of the leader at the expense of its members as well as others.[1] Utilizing this definition provides a useful basis for comparing cults to the characteristics of families in which parental alienation occurs.

Of course, most families in western cultures are hierarchical social groups. Power is not evenly distributed among the members of the family. Parents have legal, physical, moral, and psychological control over their children. Even parents who respect their children’s individuality and aim to promote competence and autonomy retain some authority over their children. In some families, however, parents exploit their inherent authority in order to alienate the child from the other parent. The focus of the current study was to determine whether these alienating parents resemble cult leaders; that is, do they (1) require excessive devotion, (2) use emotional manipulation techniques to heighten dependency, and (3) garner psychological benefits at the expense of the well being of the child. This analysis was accomplished through the current study of interviews with adults who – when they were children – were turned against one parent by the other.

Cults are organized around a leader, typically described as a charismatic individual who maintains ultimate power and authority over the group. Within, the cult the leader is designated as worthy of devotion and awe because of his or her superior capacity to comprehend the true nature of reality. Due to this supposed unique and valuable knowledge, leaders are presented as able to understand members better than they understand themselves. It is held that through great personal sacrifice, cult leaders are willing to share this knowledge on behalf of the members who require the wisdom and the guidance of the leader in order to function. In return, members are expected to reserve their love and devotion exclusively for the leader, who has earned an elevated place at the center of their emotional lives. Cult leaders have been compared to both psychopaths (Tobias & Lalich, 1994) and narcissists (Shaw, 2003) because of their lack of humility in presenting themselves as superior to others and because of their willingness to use their charm and persuasion skills in order to exploit and unduly influence others.

In cults, it is not enough to feel devotion to the leader; members are expected to demonstrate their devotion on a regular basis. Expressions of devotion include putting the needs of the leader first, never questioning the authority of the leader, confessing imperfections, allowing the leader to make all important decisions, and making public declarations of faith and love. These actions reassure the leader that the member is fully indoctrinated and further solidify the member’s commitment to the cult (Lifton, 1989). In many cases the expressions of devotion are public, with the aim of turning a public declaration of devotion into an inner desire to be loyal to the leader. By requiring such public assertions of faith and trust in the leader, cult leaders are exploiting the natural tendency in people to want their beliefs to be consistent with their actions (e.g. Festinger, 1957). In this way saying becomes believing.[3]

All too well we see the same pattern in the Watchtower Society: making all the meetings, going out in service, making public declaration of obedience to the leaders even in hostile situations, which often solidifies their devotion and complete compliance.

This process also occurred in the families of alienation. The participants reported feeling pressured to show their devotion to the alienating parent. Many described their relationship with the alienating parent as one in which their parent’s needs were felt as more real and urgent to them than their own. They recalled staying home from social activities to tend to their parent, to keep them company, to take care of younger siblings, or to perform household duties. “I did what I could do to make her life easier because her life was so hard because of my father. That was my mantra, mom’s life is hard. I have to try to help her. (40)” They chose friends, hobbies, and eventually careers and spouses to please their parent. Others reported that they grew up believing that it was their job to satisfy the needs of their parent, exemplified in the statement, “I was there to help her. It would make me want to try harder to please her. I learned how to be amusing at a very young age. “ (27) In general, they experienced themselves as extensions of their parent, their primary function in life being to take care of, please, admire, reassure, and be devoted to them.

Use of Emotional Manipulation and Persuasion Techniques to Heighten Dependency on the Leader

The second characteristic of cults is that leaders manipulate the thoughts and feelings of its members in order to promote a sense of dependency on them (e.g., Hassan, 1988; Lifton, 1989; Singer, 1996). This too was borne out in the interviews of adults who as children were alienated from a parent due to the actions and behaviors of the other parent. There were five primary mechanisms for manipulating the thoughts and feelings of the children: (1) relentless bad mouthing of the character of the other parent in order to reduce their importance and value (2) creating the impression that the targeted parent was dangerous and planned to hurt the child in order to instill fear in and rejection of that parent (3) deceiving children about the targeted parent’s feelings for them in order to create hurt, resentment, and psychological distance (4) withdrawing love if the child indicated affection or positive regard for the targeted parent in order to heighten the need to please the alienating parent and (5) erasing the other parent from the life and mind of the child through minimizing actual and symbolic contact. Each of these is discussed in turn.
One could use the same five primary mechanisms to victims of the Watchtower: (1) badmouthing Christianity, the world and the churches especially so as to make them look foolish, (2) the immediate attempt at first contact to “warn” the potential Witness that they are in danger from those outside the organization, including one’s own family (3) painting a bleak picture of one’s family’s actual love for the individual, and failure to educate them in religious matters properly (4) shunning of those who don’t comply or conform and (5) the attempt to separate the new convert from all non-Witness influence, especially from family members who are non-believers.

Creating fear in order to activate dependency needs is a strategy that has also been used in cults. False scenarios of doomsday and threat from external forces have been fabricated in order to heighten members’ dependency on the leader. Jonestown, Branch Davidians, and Heaven’s Gate are just a few examples of cults that have propagated a sense of imminent danger and, therefore, a belief that the end was near (either from natural or social forces) in order to further a dependency on the leader. Muster (2004) reports that in the International Society for Krishna Consciousness, the leaders announced that a nuclear war was impending, which resulted in a reorganization of the members into a crisis mode of dependency and fear. In this sense cult leaders behave like insensitive parents who instill fear and dependency rather than encourage independence and competence.

This is the crowning achievement of the Watchtower organization over the last century: to create fear of imminent destruction of the world and its ways. From the prophesying of the end in 1914, 1925, during WWII and 1975 and beyond, they have tried to “force God’s hand” in the matter. Even children’s books have been graphically illustrated with pictures of fire from heaven, buildings being destroyed, and of people in churches and clergymen suffering destruction at the hands of God. Many are the illustrations of the governments and their leaders being destroyed at the hands of God. The Awake! magazine as well as the older Golden Age or Consolation have constantly shown the dangers of living in this world and how shortly it will all come to an end. Five meetings a week and endless convention dramas and lectures have pointed to the end of the world as being imminent, and the wisdom of abandoning higher education worldly involvement and focusing on the “kingdom work” of evangelizing. Most witnesses live in great fear of leaving the organization either voluntarily or through the committing of some wrong.

Cults Further the Aims of the Leader at the Expense of the Needs of its Members as Well as Others

The third feature of cults is that they operate for the benefit of the leader and at the expense of its members. While they claim to exist for the benefit of the members -- who are in need of the wisdom and guidance of the leader -- the reality is just the opposite: The leader benefits from the experience much more than the members. The benefits of cults to their leaders are both financial and psychological. Leaders of cults have unlimited access to the money and assets accumulated and often spend disproportionately on themselves, justifying such expenses as the minimum compensation for all their sacrifice and hard work on behalf of the members (Singer, 1996). The psychological rewards of cult leadership are also plentiful. Leaders become all-powerful, all-knowing, worshipped individuals who can exercise control and authority at their whim.

While most Witness leaders who do not have access to the billions of dollars that is at the organization's headquarters, they are nevertheless happy to enjoy the feeling of power and success and control over hundreds or perhaps thousands of other individual witnesses. To become an elder in the organization gives one the power to declare who should and who should not be shunned within the congregations. This power acts like a drug to many and they become addicted to it. They become addicted not only to the acceptance by their own people but to having near-absolute power over those same people.

As the benefits to the cult leaders are many, so too are the costs to cult members. Much has been written about the loss of identity, the loss of time with family, and the loss of dreams that result from extended participation in cults (Langone, 1993; McKibben, Lynn, & Malinoski, 2002; Singer, 1996; Tobias & Lalich, 1994). The costs of cult participation are many, both psychological and financial. Many cults require hefty membership fees while others encourage if not require members to turn over all their assets and belongings to the leader or produce economic dependency on the cult. In addition to the financial costs associated with cult membership, former members describe the emotional harm done to them as the worst part of the experience (Singer, 1996). The emotional costs include (1) diminished self-esteem from excessive dependence (2) guilt from having hurt friends and family, (3) depression and sadness over time lost with friends and family, and (4) difficulties trusting self and other (Tobias & Lalich, 1994). The participants in the study experienced each of these negative emotional outcomes as a result of being alienated from one parent due to the actions and behaviors of the other.[4]
Similarly, the Watchtower encourages its members to give money to the organization regularly, to include them in their wills, and to live humbly (i.e. in lack of material excess) as the end is near. They are often encouraged to forgo higher education and to “pioneer” rather than to work full-time. The results of this after they come free of the control mechanism is that they realize they have been fooled, they are angry and they can't trust anything religious or perhaps they don't even trust in their own judgment anymore. Alienation from family due to shunning is often irreversible. Their health is often compromised due to a lack of planning for the future. All of these can lead to great anger, even rage and depression.

Depression

Depression is a common experience for former cult members. They feel saddened about the time they lost with their friends and family on the outside and for the fact that they gave up their personal life dreams, aspirations and goals. Depression was also prevalent in the adults interviewed for this study. Like former cult members, they too felt badly about the time they lost. “I missed many years with my father. Many wonderful years I could have had with him,” (31) explained one participant. One man who did not find his father until much later in life said he fully expected to meet him for the first time standing over his grave.” (38) The participants expressed the belief that their depression was also due to feeling rejected by the targeted parent, in addition to the time they lost with them. An older woman whose mother died when she was just two-months-old provided a particularly poignant example of this. At the time of the mother’s death, her father was having difficulty caring for five children while holding down a full-time job that required him to be away from the home on alternating weeks. For this reason, he agreed to let his sister raise the baby. This aunt, whom the participant called mommy, subsequently alienated her from her father. She prevented visitation, denigrated him to her, and let it be known that any preference for the father would be disloyal, hurtful, and not tolerated. Thus, the participant only saw her father a few times a year despite the fact that he lived less than an hour away. Not only did she lose her mother from an early death but she lost her father as well. Because the loss of her father was unnecessary, she was particularly bitter. “You lose your mother and you lose your father and you’re alone. I always felt alone.” (31) Another man explained his experience with depression, “I feel like I have a hole in my soul. And it is not something you can physically point to and say here it is but you know it is there.” (38)

Depression is very common among those who have left the Watchtower because they realize the great amount of time lost with their friends and family. Often they had personal dreams that they wanted to fulfill when they were young, but gave it up for the “Watchtower dream,” and now it seems too late. Many feel depressed because they were rejected (disfellowshipped) by the Watchtower or shunned by other Jehovah's Witnesses. These are not easy feelings to express to someone who has never been in a cult.

Conclusion

The 40 adults who participated in this study described their parents in much the same terms that cult leaders are described. These parents required excessive devotion and utilized a range of strategies in order to cultivate their children’s dependence on them. The perceived impact of the alienation as described by the participants matched many of the outcomes associated with cult involvement. These findings should provide a useful framework for adults who were alienated from a parent as a child and for clinicians working with this population.
The participants in this study seemed to believe that what they experienced was so unusual and idiosyncratic as to defy classification or categorization. It is possible that utilizing the heuristic of cults may provide them with a framework for understanding their experience and their response to it. A body of knowledge has been developed about cult leaders and the strategies they use which may help the adult children of parental alienation feel connected to a larger group and may provide them with a way to think about their parents and themselves that facilitates recovery and growth. Parents who are currently losing a child to an alienating parent may also find this framework useful for understanding the changes they see in their children.

Perhaps the main point of this article could be summed up in saying that cults are extended families. Just as a regular family can have control problems alienation in shunning and so forth so it can happen in a larger religious organization that acts as one's extended family. By studying this phenomenon in families we can understand cults better, and often persons who have family problems due to dependency or divorce (but who have not been in a cult) can understand their own situation by studying the nature of cults.

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