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Leslie, an attractive, divorced redhead in her late 30’s was having trouble meeting quality men. She started dating coaching with me and within four weeks she met not one, but two really good prospects. Jeff and Sam were both very nice men who met much of her “Mr. Right” criteria.

Time to Choose
After several weeks, Leslie felt it was time to make a choice. She was more attracted to Jeff and felt a warm connection to this sweet man with whom she had a lot in common. While she did have some concerns, compared to Sam who traveled a lot, Jeff seemed like the better match.

She decided to broach the subject of dating others with Jeff and find out what his expectations were. Jeff had taken down his Match profile, but Leslie wasn’t sure about anything else.

The Talk
Leslie handled bringing up the subject brilliantly, asking Jeff if he thought they should continue seeing others. She admitted she was dating Sam who had let her know up front that he only dated one woman at a time. Jeff stated that he didn’t want to date anyone else and wasn’t thrilled that Leslie was. But he also wasn’t ready to for a serious relationship. Yet, he was visibly shaken by the conversation and perplexed about how to proceed.

Leslie was understanding, but said if the timing wasn’t right, perhaps she should move on to find someone who was ready. This wasn’t an easy conversation for Leslie, but she felt very firm in her desire to find a man who was relationship ready. Jeff asked for two weeks to get clear and they parted amicably, agreeing to discuss this further.

His Response
The next day, Jeff emailed Leslie (he called first and left a message) admitting that he cared for her deeply which is something he hadn’t planned on. He had hoped they would date casually. But the idea of her seeing someone else helped crystallize his feelings. He had been confused about love from his marriage and post-divorce dating and acknowledged that he usually responded slowly to emotional matters.

Next, he went into a romantic description of why he liked her and finished up with a tear–jerking pronouncement of his love for Leslie. (My eyes welled up to as I read the email Leslie forwarded!)

Leslie felt uncertain about what to do. She felt that love should flow more easily and was concerned that this seemed to be too difficult. Here’s my persepctive on their exchange:

The Good News
It seems to me that Jeff bared his soul to Leslie, telling her how he feels and giving her important clues about how he makes decisions and reacts to things.

Should things go more smoothly between people if it’s the right relationship? What in life goes smoothly? Once you’ve been married and maybe even children are involved, there is baggage which takes time to work through. It’s just a fact of life.

But, here’s the good news - Jeff was pretty quick to come around compared to how he thinks of himself. He may hate to change course, but he did it FAST. After all, he only took ONE day.

My bet is Jeff didn’t really believe he’d find someone like Leslie. After “The Talk” and his discovery about competition, he had to re-evaluate his plan or risk losing her.

Deepening the Relationship
I am also a firm believer that situations like this strengthen a relationship or break it apart. This is the “first bump in the road.” Bumps are important to move a relationship to deeper levels of intimacy.

Of course, Jeff still bears observing and data gathering. But Leslie has now entered the exclusivity stage, enabling her to test their long-term relationship potential. Congratulations to Leslie for standing strong for what she wants, getting through the “first bump” and moving forward to finding the love she wants!