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Dodging the Christmas Bullet  Ok, we’re in it now. There’s snow on the ground, and every public building you walk into has Bing Crosby crooning about it. Holiday cards have started coming in from all those maniacs who are organized enough to get their holiday cards out before St. Patrick’s Day. Everywhere you go there’s someone walking around wearing a “Let’s Just Kill ‘Em All And Let God Sort ‘Em Out” sweat shirt and a Santa hat. Visions of eggnog (with just a wee splash of rum) are dancing in my head.

Yep, it’s Christmas season all right, and it’s time to think about shopping.

Ok, confession time. Just because I’m thinking – and writing – about Christmas shopping sixteen days before Christmas doesn’t mean I’m doing any sort of actual shopping yet. I still have 15.75 days before that becomes an issue, so I’m biding my time.
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Now, my wife shops for me and for everyone else on our family gift list, while all I have to do is buy something for her. You would think that this would make the gifting thing a simple and straightforward task.

You would be wrong.

You see, to me Christmas shopping is a sacred ritual, steeped in almost holy tradition. That, and a good healthy sense of terror. I’ve been married long enough to know that buying a gift for your wife can represent one of the most treacherous transactions in a man’s life.

Now, I’ll admit that for the first year or two your little newlywed bride might think your stupidity is just adorable when she unwraps the hot pink left-handed salad shooter you bought from the guy in the mall kiosk, who told you that this was the one gift every woman lives for. But once the honeymoon’s over, Buster, things change.

So for those of you guys for whom the grace period has expired, I’ve compiled this list of the five deadliest things you could buy your wife for Christmas:

1. A Vacuum Cleaner – A gift like this suggests that you think of her as some kind of unpaid servant, which is normally a really bad thing for you to let her know. This warning would also apply to mops, brooms, monogrammed scrub brushes, and plow yokes with shackles on them.

2. A Diet Book Or A Gift Certificate To Weight Watchers – Likewise, you should avoid self-help books with titles like, I’m Ok, But You’re Getting Pretty Hefty or 30 Days To A Slimmer, Less Disgusting You. Do I really have to explain why?

3. Slutty Underwear – This is a particularly bad idea if the slutty underwear is not her size. Buy it too large, and you’ll be in the same mess as you were in with the diet book, etc. Buy it too small, and she might think you got the boxes mixed up and get real curious about who you meant it for. If you’re slick you can actually turn this one around, though, because you can always fall back on the old, “You see honey, the beautiful, shapely young clerk asked me ‘What size?’ and I said, ‘Well, she looks just like you…”

4. Enhancement Surgery – You know exactly what I’m talking about. The people who sell enhancement surgery call it (this is true) “The Gift That Keeps On Giving.” The question she’ll have is, “Yeah, well who exactly will it keep on giving to?”

5. A Tattoo – Particularly if you’re thinking of sedating her and having a scantily clad lady with the words “Live Hard, Die Young” tattooed on her forearm while she’s unconscious.

So there you have it, guys. Now that I’ve clued you in on what not to buy, you can go out and get your wife anything else that strikes your fancy with complete confidence. For my wife, I’m thinking about two tickets to the North American Beer Chugging And Creative Belching Semi-Finals next month in North Dakota.

Don’t tell her!

Copyright © 2005 Michael Ball

Humorist Mike Ball’s award-winning column currently appears weekly in the Northfield Courant and online at http://www.learnedsofar.com. Mike won the 2003 Erma Bombeck Award, and has been called "The New Mark Twain."

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